Should... should someone with hands do something about that?

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What else is on there? Hilbert's tax returns? My third grade report card? What?

SPOILER WARNING: This section contains major plot spoilers. Proceed at your own risk.
Warren Kepler
Date of Birth: May 7th, 1977
Place of Birth: Chicago, Illinois
Position: Commanding Officer
Rank: Colonel

Portrayed by: Zach Libresco

Colonel Warren James Kepler is the Director of Intelligence for the Special Projects division, and head of the SI-5 at Goddard Futuristics.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Pre-Goddard[edit | edit source]

Little is known about Kepler prior to his work with Goddard Futuristics. In A Matter of Perspective, he confides to Eiffel that his work had taken a heavy toll on his life. However, he gives no specifics. Tidbits about his past can be picked up through his long-winded stories, though whether anything Kepler revealed was genuine is debatable.

Goddard Futuristics[edit | edit source]

Kepler's skills and drive to excel brought him up the ranks of Goddard Futuristics. By 2009 he was a captain, and Deputy Director of Intelligence. An incident in which Kepler went against his superior's orders and catastrophically compromised a mission brings him before Mr. Cutter. Cutter, however, is impressed with Kepler's vision and willingness to take chances in the pursuit of constant improvement. He chooses to hold Kepler's superior, Major Littlewood, responsible for the mission failure. Kepler is promoted to his place as major and Director of Intelligence.

Previous Hephaestus missions[edit | edit source]

Kepler and the SI-5 were involved in the clean up after the failure of Lovelace's mission on the Hephaestus. He debriefed Dr. Selberg, and was the one who told him Captain Lovelace's escape shuttle had fallen into Wolf 359.

Current Hephaestus mission[edit | edit source]

Kepler handpicks Daniel Jacobi and Dr. Alana Maxwell to join him on the mission to the Hephaestus. On their way to the Hephaestus, they spot Doug Eiffel's destroyed ship freely flying through deep space and intercept it, rescuing Eiffel. They reunite Eiffel with the crew of the Hephaestus, then proceed to repair the heavily damaged station. Kepler takes over as commanding officer and demotes Minkowski to navigations officer. When Eiffel tells him that he's working for a psychopath (Cutter), he says he does not mind. This causes tension between the two teams.

During this brief partnership between the Hephaestus crew and the Urania team, Kepler is a harsh leader, most often to Hilbert, due to their shared past. He is not afraid to push the Hephaestus crew beyond their limits, like Eiffel's 26-hour shift and sending Minkowski back out to repair the exterior hull after getting her leg stuck between two external gears and cracking her helmet.

Sensing dissent among the ranks and preparing for a mutiny, Kepler begins manipulating Eiffel to trust him more than others from the Hephaestus, most prominently seen during Don't Poke the Bear. During a doctor's visit between Eiffel and Hilbert to test the Decima Virus, Kepler begins to test Hilbert's patience which causes him to act in a harsher manner around Eiffel. Kepler would defends Eiffel and berates Hilbert cruelly. Because of this, Eiffel at first enjoys Hilbert being talked down to, but quickly grows uncomfortable with the situation when Kepler begins screaming at Hilbert. As the appointment continued and Hilbert grows less and less interested in talking through his plans and experiments with Eiffel, Kepler slams Hilbert's hand in a drawer. Kepler then offers Eiffel a choice to end these experiments once and for all. Initially, Eiffel refuses, but when faced with Kepler's confused and disgusted tone at the possibility of continuing these experiments, Eiffel changes his mind and agreed to stop the Decima experiments. Kepler takes keenly to Eiffel, and continues to use him to weaken the ranks of the opposers.

The contact event[edit | edit source]

Unfortunately, an insurrection occurs hours before the contact event, led by Eiffel's plan. Jacobi and Maxwell capture Eiffel and Lovelace, and Kepler uses them to push the other team to surrender. Kepler threatens to shoot one of them if Minkowski and Hilbert did not give up. He points a gun between Eiffel and Lovelace and begins to choose which he would shoot with "Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe". About to land on Eiffel, Lovelace interferes. She mocks Kepler and he changes his mind and threatens Lovelace's death to Minkowski. Minkowski does not surrender, and Lovelace is shot and killed. Kepler and Jacobi are eventually apprehended and brought to the funeral Eiffel held for Lovelace, Maxwell, and Hilbert. During this, Lovelace comes back to life, and Kepler reveals that this was not the original Lovelace. This knowledge causes a rift between him and Jacobi, who thought he knew all Kepler's plans. After the events of the funeral, Kepler begins to talk to Eiffel, eventually taunting him about his daughter. Eiffel, enraged, punches Kepler. Eiffel pauses for a moment, before continuing on with two more punches in quick succession. Kepler uses that moment to overpower Eiffel and grab his gun, then takes him as a hostage to try and convince Minkowski to free Jacobi. Lovelace then appears behind Kepler, and Kepler loses his advantage.

Immediately after this, the contact event occurs. Lovelace becomes a host for the Dear Listeners and removes Kepler's right hand, stating that he will not harm anyone ever again.

Cutter administration[edit | edit source]

When Cutter takes command of the Hephaestus, Kepler is not brainwashed with the rest of the team, swearing his loyalty to Goddard. Despite his professed loyalty, Kepler does not report to Cutter when Eiffel breaks free from his mind control and was rescuing the crew. Later, during the final episode, Eiffel and Jacobi offer Kepler a chance to help them overthrow Cutter, which he refuses. However, this was to gain them a tactical advantage, by denying this in front of Rachel Young.

Death[edit | edit source]

While disposing of the body of a Listener, Kepler shoots Young twice in the back. In retaliation, Young throws Kepler into the airlock and vents him into space. Before she opens the outer lock, Kepler takes a sip of scotch and seems at peace, knowing he could help Jacobi and the rest of Minkowski's crew. After he is vented into space, Young collapses and died.

Personality[edit | edit source]

Kepler is a man of the law. He will do whatever he needs to do to maintain his power over other people and values loyalty above all else, often through over dramatic "Bond Villain Wannabe" speeches or just by torturing people by asking them questions.

Relationships[edit | edit source]

Daniel Jacobi[edit | edit source]

Kepler personally recruited Daniel Jacobi to the SI-5 for his ballistics expertise in 2011. In the years that followed, Jacobi becomes one of the top members of the SI-5, and serves as Kepler's second-in-command on the Hephaestus Mission. Kepler has great trust in Jacobi, who was doggedly loyal to Kepler in turn.

However, after Maxwell's death, Jacobi's faith is shaken. Jacobi blames Kepler for her death, as Kepler had not informed them of the full scope of their mission. This break in their relationship eventually leads to Jacobi attempting to force Minkowski to kill Kepler.

Alana Maxwell[edit | edit source]

Dr. Alana Maxwell was also recruited to the SI-5 by Kepler for her skill in Artificial Intelligence development, particularly her ability to communicate with "things that aren't humans." His relationship with Maxwell is not as easily trusting as with Jacobi. Kepler trusts Maxwell's expertise, but is quick to rein her in when he feels her personal ideology is distracting her from the needs of the mission, as seen in Limbo.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • His surname is most likely a reference to Johannes Kepler, a noted 17th-century astronomer. It is speculated he poisoned his mentor, Tycho Brahe, in order to steal his data.
  • The mini episode "Long Story Short" provided many contextless pieces of trivia about Kepler, including:
  • He had proved that escape from Alcatraz is feasible
  • He formerly worked in the sale of antique salt and pepper shakers
  • He almost made the Olympic badminton team
  • He was part of a funk band, which he "had to walk away from".
  • He had been grandfathered into the Worshipful Company of Haberdashers.
  • He came to be in possession of an Oscar, which he returned.
  • He did not trust professional bowlers.
  • He had distilled moonshine with a straight-six engine.
  • He had been deified by some group.
  • He may have been accused of insider trading by the Swiss.
  • He had no memory of the year 1987.
  • In "Need to Know", it was revealed that two years previous to the events of the podcast, Kepler had once spent $8,000 dollars on a ski trip.


Image Gallery[edit | edit source]

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